Still here.

Its not that I have forgotten I have a blog its that I have stopped caring.

The rise of Facebook, Status Updates, the race for Likes, and instant gratification have made long-winded blogs a thing of the past. At least in my personal opinion. Well, now that I think about it I suppose they have been replaced with Vlogs and Podcasts. Much how good books get turned into bad movies, written pourings of the soul become flashy videos filled with special effects and a soundtrack by Kanye West.

The other day Facebook reminded me of an event that took place 7yrs ago, which led me in search of certain images long since forgotten, which led me to this old blog of mine. Since then I have been flipping through the posts like an old man flipping through a highschool yearbook only to realize they don't recognize half the faces.
Going through old posts I cant help but chuckle at the enthusiasm I once had, but also I can't help but frown at how little things have actually changed.
Not to say that life has been a constant downward spiral or anything of the sort, there have been plenty wonderful moments in the past years, memories that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world... but that sense of "I do not know what I am doing with my life" has not gone away. Even after all these years I am without a sense of direction. Its pretty frustrating.

If you are reading this... you are probably here by accident hah. Or a subscriber with an active account? Either way I am surprised you are reading this.
I think I need to keep writing posts here and there if only to ensure that the blog does not close on me. Its nice to be able to back in time every now and then, I would be upset if it all just disappeared one day.

Hope you are well.

F5

Things are different. Without being aware of the changing things have changed. I think I know who I want to be, or better said, I know who I have to be. I need an end game, an actual plan, because things are different. If I fail and fall I wont be the only one with bruises, maybe I can convince myself that mediocrity isn't too bad, but it's not just about me anymore. It really shouldn't come as a surprise, knew it would happen... but then why am I still trying to figure this out? I'll figure it out. Eventually. Been focusing more on drawing. The illustrator game, I don't really think it's the ticket out of the hole I've dug myself but its probably the only ticket I have. Unless the lotto ticket in my pocket is worth anything ;)

I drew the first guy on the left for an idea I have for what the new website will look like...wasn't entirely convinced so I kept making more. Stopped at 4, posted them up on my Facebook page to be voted on. Number 3 won! ...which is great...but I'm still not 100% sure haha. Here are some sketches and such I've done, I apologize for the instagram filters haha, seems to be the only way/reason I document things lately.. that needs to change.

Doing this through a phone app, don't know how it'll actually look like in the end. Trying to limit how much time I waste being a zombie in front of laptop and actually get work done!! @#&##%&!! And on that note... gotta get making some lines. Rebuild one line at a time. Hrmmm kinda makes me sound like a coke fiend.

i do? i did, and will do it again.

i am now a married man.

i didn't think this would actually make much difference... but it does. as it turns out there is so much more to it than the paperwork and sharing medical benefits. i can't explain it. its the little things; saying "my wife", seeing her happily change her last name on facebook. its magical.

the wedding was perfect. not a single complaint. could not have asked for anything else... other than more time off from work, but alas i have bills to pay.

here is a picture of our first kiss. after the vows and all that stuff.if you were wondering... yes i cried. we had selected one poem to be read. i will include it here only because it was so great and so fitting; we are fun, totally non-religious folks and this poem hit the spot.so here it is in case any of you are in the same boat and can't find anything good. we had altered it a bit for our purposes but here is the original.. its a bit long:

I Like You by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

I like you and I know why.
I like you because you are a good person to like.
I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it’s special
And you remember it a long, long time.
You say, “Remember when you told me something special?”
And both of us remember

When I think something is important
you think it’s important too
We have good ideas
When I say something funny, you laugh
I think I’m funny and you think I’m funny too
Hah-hah!

I like you because you know where I’m ticklish
And you don’t tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes
But if you do, then I know where to tickle you too

You know how to be silly
That’s why I like you
Boy are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you
I like you because you know when it’s time to stop being silly
Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never
Too late, it’s a quarter past silly!

Sometimes we don’t say a word
We snurkle under fences
We spy secret places
If I am a goofus on the roofus hollering my head off
You are one too
If I pretend I am drowning, you pretend you are saving me
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,
then you are getting ready to jump
HOORAY!

That’s because you really like me
You really like me, don’t you?
And I really like you back
And you like me back and I like you back
And that’s the way we keep on going every day

If you go away, then I go away too
or if I stay home, you send me a postcard
You don’t just say “Well see you around sometime, bye”
I like you a lot because of that
If I go away, I send you a postcard too
And I like you because if we go away together
And if we are in Grand Central Station
And if I get lost
Then you are the one that is yelling for me

And I like you because when I am feeling sad
You don’t always cheer me up right away
Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can’t stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things
It takes time
I like you because if I am mad at you
Then you are mad at me too
It’s awful when the other person isn’t
They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could just about punch them in the nose

I like you because if I think I am going to throw up
then you are really sorry
You don’t just pretend you are busy looking at the birdies and all that
You say, maybe it was something you ate
You say, the same thing happened to me one time
And the same thing did

If you find two four-leaf clovers, you give me one
If I find four, I give you two
If we only find three, we keep on looking
Sometimes we have good luck, and sometimes we don’t
If I break my arm, and if you break your arm too
Then it’s fun to have a broken arm
I tell you about mine, you tell me about yours
We are both sorry
We write our names and draw pictures
We show everybody and they wish they had a broken arm too

I like you because I don’t know why but
Everything that happens is nicer with you
I can’t remember when I didn’t like you
It must have been lonesome then
I like you because because because
I forget why I like you but I do

So many reasons
On the 4th of July I like you because it’s the 4th of July
On the fifth of July, I like you too
If you and I had some drums and some horns and some horses
If we had some hats and some flags and some fire engines
We could be a HOLIDAY
We could be a CELEBRATION
We could be a WHOLE PARADE

See what I mean?
Even if it was the 999th of July
Even if it was August
Even if it was way down at the bottom of November
Even if it was no place particular in January
I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again

That’s how it would happen every time
I don’t know why
I guess I don’t know why I really like you
Why do I like you
I guess I just like you
I guess I just like you because I like you.

yea its a bit long. we didn't realize how long it was until it was read out loud... also here is a picture of my insanely beautiful Wife. i know every Groom says the same thing... but wow... she just blew me away.

i got married on the Saturday that just passed. i made a commitment to be with this special woman for the rest of my life and whatever may follow. afterwards we went to Niagara Falls to unwind, where i met up with a tattoo artist friend from OCAD and got my first tattoo - which shows off my commitment to my horrible dog Chester. apparently i really love my dog

its been an eventful week. now that the wedding is out of the way i can focus on the future. which for me hopefully involves lots of drawing, painting and relaxing with the Mrs.

will i be pretty? will i be rich?

there are 8 days left til my wedding,
the wedding is affecting my dreams now. the other night i went back in time to visit my in-laws for some reason. fancy stuff right?

when we were dating i remember asking a magic 8 ball what was in store for us. it was always positive, and when it wasn't i shook it again until it was haha. that's life isn't it? we try to squeeze the things we want to into the crazy superstitions and wishes we make. try to make sense of idiotic horoscopes and fortune cookies.

what will i be when i grow up? handsome? rich? ...whatever will be will be. i guess.

i mean how terrifying would life be if you had any idea of what your actual future will look like. every step would be a nightmare. fortunately we are pretty blind to the future. ignorance is bliss?

am i old yet?

30 days from now i will be married

a couple of days after that we will be welcoming the year 2014.

months will pass and i will be a 30 year old, married man. will i still be working the same miserable job? will my to-do list still be as long as it is today? will my string of bad financial decisions catch up with me? will i continue to collect action figures and the sort? oooh such concerns for the future!!

what am i going on about? am i actually concerned about these things? am i so vain that i worry about the white hairs that will probably soon outnumber the dark ones?... provided of course i still have hair.

the answer: mmmaybe. i don't know for certain. but that's really the root of all these concerns. the uncertainty of the future. i have a long, long list of plans and hopes and dreams, but unfortunately the time and energy i have allotted to attack this list is very limited. therein lies the rub.

so i am still on this dead-giant-astronauts kick. the above is one of many in the works. colouring takes more time than drawing sometimes. i blame technology....

so all these drawings and ideas are starting to actually become something in my head. i have an idea for what can be a pretty awesome zine/small book. not to give too much away; it is related to the one-way Mars trip that was announced. i keep thinking about it! i mean, i am obviously not going to apply (also its too late) but the very concept of it has turned my world upside down!

drew this a while back. then coloured it and made some prints to sell at a show. need to make some more and get printed. maybe assemble some postcards for peeps. ah the list! the list!!

apparently it has been a long while since i have posted on here, so of course there are tons of drawings that have passed between now and then. my apologies to whoever actually checks this blog. yes you. you!!

got some hardwood scraps to work on. maybe i will do a few more. if they were a bit longer i can connect them in various combinations and make some fantastic exquisite corpses. 

nothing too exciting to report. just felt the need to post SOMETHING! if things go well in my brains i will be able to post more frequently and with actual content. but who knows for sure. as i said, so much is uncertain. well... not everything i suppose.
30 days from now i will be married. so even though i am unsure of where i will be and what i will be doing in the years to come; i know who i will be with. and that makes me pretty gosh-darn happy. even if i can't get her to read a comic-book :-\

bring me back a souvenir.

What will be, will be, as it has already been. You have already made every possible decision you will and can ever make, your paths are etched into stone, you just don't realize it.
What if dreams are not a dream-scape, or messages in metaphor from the future, or crazy stories your imagination decides to tell you to keep you entertained; what if they are actually memories of different paths you have taken.

Where are you going with this hugo? Where is this all coming from?

Well, this morning I was pulled out of the dream by my dog wanting to go outside... but the dream he tore me out from what a linked dream; a spinoff of some kind. How often do we have dreams that we desperately try to take something from, a souvenir. Sometimes an object, something we have been missing, looking for, maybe its money or a fantastical device. Sometimes we awaken and all we want is to remember a face, a number, a name. I know its an irrational and romantic notion that one can actually meet someone in a dream... but hey, I am an irrational, romantic person.

As I was saying; the dream that my overzealous terrier woke me from was mainly based on my wanting to remember a name from the previous dream. I'm quite the lucid dreamer, and in this dream I was "aware" that I was dreaming, so when I met this other woman I knew that I was engaged and that this was not that woman, which was then explained to me in the dream that it was a different reality, a different choice was made. Evidently I had known her since elementary school and we had stayed close since. Awake and completely conscious I can honestly say I have lost contact with everyone I have known since then, so who knows.   Anyways, in the dream to follow I was obsessed with finding out who it was.

Now this is where things get complicated, I woke up, fell back asleep, maybe for the 3rd time while all this was going on; and this time we were all planning a party of some kind. A trip. I had a bunch of family in a house I did not recognize trying to plan an elaborate family vacation. For whatever reason my brothers and I left the house because we needed to get masks, we went into the store just down the street and looked through what little they had for costumes. It was a very limited selection, because evidently Halloween was that very night (oddly enough I have many dreams around this concept).      As I walk out of this shop, empty handed, I notice who I think is the girl from the previous previous dream enter the shop beside this one. This place was much fancier, trinkets and such. I wonder what I can say to her, how should I not sound crazy... in the dream from way back we already knew each other, this time I was a stranger but apparently still had memories of trying to find her from that previous dream. In the end I don`t go up to her at all, as I am distracted by a little cupcake charm, reminding me of my wife, and sending me back home.

I rush back home, different house now. Unknown people answer the door, there is a party, there is my wife (or fiance in reality), throwing a piece of chocolate cake in the air, failing to catch it in her mouth... apparently this is the game thats going on. She is wearing a very pretty dress, a light teal, she has a hat on with feathers, there is something odd, something off about her that I don`t realize until after, or maybe its just so frightening at this stage in my life that I do not want to think about it. She says hi, light kiss and a hug that only she can give. Shortly after I wake up. Realizing that my 2nd alarm went off about half-hour ago and I should get moving. As I lay there in bed trying to piece together the fading memories, I conclude to myself that everything is real. That everything we dream of is real.... but just not in this reality. Just not in this chain of choices.

Does this apply to crazy-ass dreams where you can fly and you fight ninjas?
Yes. Especially.

I don't really have a purpose for posting this. Its not leading up to anything. Really I am just jotting down ideas before, like the dream, they fade away.

Hope you are all doing well. Gosh I need to start posting more! Maybe I should sleep less.

imported breakfast cereals

hey. hows it going?
i'm doing alright, chugging along the track i have laid out for myself. checking things off my daily lists, high-fiving myself metaphysically  things are good. if not for the sudden return of winter outside, i would say things are fantastic. but who am i to complain about the weather? i know my complaints and lengthy letters to the weather bureau won't actually affect anything, but hey, we all do it.

i have an instagram account now! i will be using it to post pics of works as i am working on them, maybe some action figure photos... pictures of the dog... and food i guess, since that does seem to be the primary purpose of this app. i dont know how, if i even can, put a link to my instagram flow thinger... so just look me up! HUGOISAGHOST  is my thing. my handle...

so yea, i post stuff like this ^  and then later on will post the finished piece either on my FB page or on here, or wherever... until i get the website redone and shiny again this will be the way i get stuff out... or i will keep some pieces secret until i can BAM show on new site!

 i feel like i am going back to my roots. back to the basics. drawing for the hell of it, on random pads of paper here and there. i have 2 nice pads of vellum paper, 2 watercolour pads... oh yea, i think im good for a couple of weeks. debating what will become of the full roll of mylar from way back. something will happen. something. i enjoyed working on mylar too much to just walk away from it. so we'll see..

most every drawing i do lately has at least one skull involved. not necessarily a bad thing... or a good thing. i think i have to try to avoid the skulls a bit, just to make sure i can. just to make sure i am not trapped to forever draw skulls!

been doodling on coloured paper too. using a pen of different weight, putting lines down on funky colours... it really calls forth a new level of fun in subject matter. more punch! i guess i have always known this... but just saying. Oh! so i have decided that i will release a new zine or... lets say before May. i have not put together a zine since 2009! i only have one copy of that zine and its so nice to look back on. need to revisit the art of zines!!! i intend to actually put effort into spreading the news and shipping these badboys out. opposed to sitting at a table at a zine fair and waiting for the people to come to me. no no no. no more of that nonsense.  gotta go for the kill! grrrr... grr... meow.

on an unrelated note i have had Elmo's song stuck in my head. but instead of the actual words i have meows. its pretty awful. maybe more coffee will make it stop. yes... that makes sense.